The Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. Title: St. Patrick’s Day Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan Release Date: October, 2004 [EBook #6707] Last updated: November 14, 2019 Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK’S DAY *** Produced by Delphine Lettau, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. ST. PATRICK’S DAY OR, THE SCHEMING LIEUTENANT _A FARCE_ DRAMATIS PERSONAE AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT COVENT-GARDEN THEATRE IN 1775 LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _Mr. Clinch_. DR. ROSY _Mr. Quick_. JUSTICE CREDULOUS _Mr. Lee Lewes_. SERJEANT TROUNCE _Mr. Booth_. CORPORAL FLINT…………………… LAURETTA _Mrs. Cargill_. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS _Mrs. Pitt_. Drummer, Soldiers, Countrymen, _and_ Servant. SCENE—A TOWN IN ENGLAND. ACT I. SCENE I.—LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR’s Lodgings. _Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, CORPORAL FLINT, _and four_ SOLDIERS. FIRST SOLDIER. I say you are wrong; we should all speak together, each for himself, and all at once, that we may be heard the better. SECOND SOLDIER. Right, Jack, we’ll argue in platoons. THIRD SOLDIER. Ay, ay, let him have our grievances in a volley, and if we be to have a spokesman, there’s the corporal is the lieutenant’s countryman, and knows his humour. CORPORAL FLINT. Let me alone for that. I served three years, within a bit, under his honour, in the Royal Inniskillions, and I never will see a sweeter tempered gentleman, nor one more free with his purse. I put a great shammock in his hat this morning, and I’ll be bound for him he’ll wear it, was it as big as Steven’s Green. FOURTH SOLDIER. I say again then you talk like youngsters, like militia striplings: there’s a discipline, look’ee in all things, whereof the serjeant must be our guide; he’s a gentleman of words; he understands your foreign lingo, your figures, and such like auxiliaries in scoring. Confess now for a reckoning, whether in chalk or writing, ben’t he your only man? CORPORAL FLINT. Why the serjeant is a scholar to be sure, and has the gift of reading. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Good soldiers, and fellow-gentlemen, if you make me your spokesman, you will show the more judgment; and let me alone for the argument. I’ll be as loud as a drum, and point blank from the purpose. ALL. Agreed, agreed. CORPORAL FLINT. Oh, faith! here comes the lieutenant.—Now, Serjeant. SERJEANT TROUNCE. So then, to order.—Put on your mutiny looks; every man grumble a little to himself, and some of you hum the Deserter’s March. _Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Well, honest lads, what is it you have to complain of? SOLDIER. Ahem! hem! SERJEANT TROUNCE. So please your honour, the very grievance of the matter is this:—ever since your honour differed with justice Credulous, our inn-keepers use us most scurvily. By my halbert, their treatment is such, that if your spirit was willing to put up with it, flesh and blood could by no means agree; so we humbly petition that your honour would make an end of the matter at once, by running away with the justice’s daughter, or else get us fresh quarters,—hem! hem! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Indeed! Pray which of the houses use you ill? FIRST SOLDIER. There’s the Red Lion an’t half the civility of the old Red Lion. SECOND SOLDIER. There’s the White Horse, if he wasn’t case-hardened, ought to be ashamed to show his face. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Very well; the Horse and the Lion shall answer for it at the quarter sessions. SERJEANT TROUNCE. The two Magpies are civil enough; but the Angel uses us like devils, and the Rising Sun refuses us light to go to bed by. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Then, upon my word, I’ll have the Rising Sun put down, and the Angel shall give security for his good behaviour; but are you sure you do nothing to quit scores with them? CORPORAL FLINT. Nothing at all, your honour, unless now and then we happen to fling a cartridge into the kitchen fire, or put a spatterdash or so into the soup; and sometimes Ned drums up and down stairs a little of a night. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Oh, all that’s fair; but hark’ee, lads, I must have no grumbling on St. Patrick’s Day; so here, take this, and divide it amongst you. But observe me now,—show yourselves men of spirit, and don’t spend sixpence of it in drink. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Nay, hang it, your honour, soldiers should never bear malice; we must drink St. Patrick’s and your honour’s health. ALL. Oh, damn malice! St. Patrick’s and his honour’s by all means. CORPORAL FLINT. Come away, then, lads, and first we’ll parade round the Market-cross, for the honour of King George. FIRST SOLDIER. Thank your honour.—Come along; St. Patrick, his honour, and strong beer for ever! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Get along, you thoughtless vagabonds! yet, upon my conscience, ’tis very hard these poor fellows should scarcely have bread from the soil they would die to defend. _Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. Ah, my little Dr. Rosy, my Galen a-bridge, what’s the news? DR. ROSY. All things are as they were, my Alexander; the justice is as violent as ever: I felt his pulse on the matter again, and, thinking his rage began to intermit, I wanted to throw in the bark of good advice, but it would not do. He says you and your cut-throats have a plot upon his life, and swears he had rather see his daughter in a scarlet fever than in the arms of a soldier. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Upon my word the army is very much obliged to him. Well, then, I must marry the girl first, and ask his consent afterwards. DR. ROSY. So, then, the case of her fortune is desperate, hey? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Oh, hang fortune,—let that take its chance; there is a beauty in Lauretta’s simplicity, so pure a bloom upon her charms. DR. ROSY. So there is, so there is. You are for beauty as nature made her, hey! No artificial graces, no cosmetic varnish, no beauty in grey, hey! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Upon my word, doctor, you are right; the London ladies were always too handsome for me; then they are so defended, such a circumvallation of hoop, with a breastwork of whale-bone that would turn a pistol-bullet, much less Cupid’s arrows,—then turret on turret on top, with stores of concealed weapons, under pretence of black pins,—and above all, a standard of feathers that would do honour to a knight of the Bath. Upon my conscience, I could as soon embrace an Amazon, armed at all points. DR. ROSY. Right, right, my Alexander! my taste to a tittle. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Then, doctor, though I admire modesty in women, I like to see their faces. I am for the changeable rose; but with one of these quality Amazons, if their midnight dissipations had left them blood enough to raise a blush, they have not room enough in their cheeks to show it. To be sure, bashfulness is a very pretty thing; but, in my mind, there is nothing on earth so impudent as an everlasting blush. DR. ROSY. My taste, my taste!—Well, Lauretta is none of these. Ah! I never see her but she put me in mind of my poor dear wife. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. [_Aside_.] Ay, faith; in my opinion she can’t do a worse thing. Now he is going to bother me about an old hag that has been dead these six years. DR. ROSY. Oh, poor Dolly! I never shall see her like again; such an arm for a bandage—veins that seemed to invite the lancet. Then her skin, smoothe and white as a gallipot; her mouth as large and not larger than the mouth of a penny phial; her lips conserve of roses; and then her teeth—none of your sturdy fixtures—ache as they would, it was but a small pull, and out they came. I believe I have drawn half a score of her poor dear pearls—[_weeps_]—But what avails her beauty? Death has no consideration—one must die as well as another. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. [_Aside_.] Oh, if he begins to moralize—-[_Takes out his snuff-box_.] DR. ROSY. Fair and ugly, crooked or straight, rich or poor—flesh is grass—flowers fade! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Here, doctor, take a pinch, and keep up your spirits. DR. ROSY. True, true, my friend; grief can’t mend the matter—all’s for the best; but such a woman was a great loss, lieutenant. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. To be sure, for doubtless she had mental accomplishments equal to her beauty. DR. ROSY. Mental accomplishments! she would have stuffed an alligator, or pickled a lizard, with any apothecaru’s wife in the kingdom. Why, she could decipher a prescription, and invent the ingredients, almost as well as myself: then she was such a hand at making foreign waters!—for Seltzer, Pyrmont, Islington, or Chalybeate, she never had her equal; and her Bath and Bristol springs exceeded the originals.—Ah, poor Dolly! she fell a martyr to her own discoveries. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. How so, pray? DR. ROSY. Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in trying an improvement on the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers. DR. ROSY. No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it was not the rum that killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a dropsy. Well, she is gone, never to return, and has left no pledge of our loves behind. No little babe, to hang like a label round papa’s neck. Well, well, we are all mortal—sooner or later—flesh is grass— flowers fade. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. [_Aside_.] Oh, the devil!—again! DR. ROSY. Life’s a shadow—the world a stage—we strut an hour. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Here, doctor. [_Offers snuff_.] DR. ROSY. True, true, my friend: well, high grief can’t cure it. All’s for the best, hey! my little Alexander? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of spirits. But come, faith, ’tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the justice; that must be our first scheme. DR. ROSY. True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my house, and I have given you such a character, that he is impatient to have you: he swears you shall be his body-guard. Well, I honour the army, or I should never do so much to serve you. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once I’m possessed of my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for you as fast as possible. DR. ROSY. Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late. DR. ROSY. Poor Dolly! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. ’Tis past twelve. DR. ROSY. Inhuman dropsy! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. The justice will wait. DR. ROSY. Cropped in her prime! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. For heaven’s sake, come! DR. ROSY. Well, flesh is grass. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. O, the devil! DR. ROSY. We must all die— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Doctor! DR. ROSY. Kings, lords, and common whores— [_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _forcing_ Rosy _off_.] SCENE II.—_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ _House_. _Enter_ LAURETTA _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. LAURETTA. I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the world, and Lieutenant O’Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?—or if you must have a military man, there’s Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or Major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become scarlet, as well as the fighting folks. LAURETTA. Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks with spurs on—heroes scratched off a church door— clowns in military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to- day, and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace ruffles. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital. LAURETTA. Then I’ll be his crutch, mamma. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want the use of them:—and if he should take you with him, to sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant’s wife to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a drum-head:—’tis a precious life, to be sure! LAURETTA. Nay, mamma, you shouldn’t be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say you were the best natured and best looking woman in the world. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O’Connor was a very well-bred and discerning young man; ’tis your papa is so violent against him. LAURETTA. Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia. LAURETTA. No, indeed, ma’am, a marching regiment. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia. LAURETTA. Indeed, mamma, it wasn’t. _Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Bridget, my love, I have had a message. LAURETTA. It was cousin Sophy told me so. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I have had a message, love— MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, child, she would say no such thing. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. A message, I say. LAURETTA. How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, girl, hold your tongue!—Well, my dear. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I have had a message from Doctor Rosy. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, Bridget!— MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Well, deary.—Now hold your tongue, miss. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says— LAURETTA. I’m sure, mamma, his regimentals— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Damn his regimentals!—Why don’t you listen? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa? LAURETTA. Well, papa. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Dr. Rosy says he’ll bring— LAURETTA. Were blue turned up with red, mamma. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Laury!—says he will bring the young man— MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Red! yellow, if you please, miss. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Bridget!—the young man that is to be hired— MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last word with your mamma; you should know— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. I am listening, my love, I am listening!—But what signifies my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and let nobody speak but herself?—Ay, I don’t wonder, my life, at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she’ll run on, and not let you put in a word.— You may very well be angry; there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking— LAURETTA. Nay, I’m sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Why, you little provoking minx—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Get out of the room directly, both of you—get out! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, go, girl. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out. _Enter_ SERVANT. SERVANT. Doctor Rosy, sir JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Show him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] LAURETTA. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. You’re an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the case—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. You won’t go? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. We are going, Mr. Surly.—If that had been the case, I say, how could—— LAURETTA. Nay, mamma, one proof—— MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. How could Major—— LAURETTA. And a full proof—— [JUSTICE CREDULOUS _drives them off_.] JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don’t like her daughter to resemble her in. _Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. Well, doctor, where’s the lad—where’s Trusty? DR. ROSY. At hand; he’ll be here in a minute, I’ll answer for’t. He’s such a one as you an’t met with,—brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor? DR. ROSY. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he’ll make the red coats keep their distance. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. O the villains; this is St. Patrick’s day, and the rascals have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease. DR. ROSY. Doubtless he’ll be a comfort to you. _Re-enter_ SERVANT. SERVANT. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy. DR. ROSY. Show him up. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Hold! a little caution—how does he look? SERVANT. A country-looking fellow, your worship. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in here. SERVANT. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Corporal Breakbones! SERVANT. And Drummer Crackskull came again. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT.] DR. ROSY. Ay, he’ll be your porter; he’ll give the rogues an answer. _Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR, _disguised_. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. So, a tall—Efacks! what! has lost an eye? DR. ROSY. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other. DR. ROSY. Oh, no, he’s bashful—a sheepish look—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, my lad, what’s your name? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Humphrey Hum. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Hum—I don’t like Hum! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey—— DR. ROSY. There, I told you so, of noted honesty. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are willing to serve, hey? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And please your worship I shall be well content. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, then, hark’ye, honest Humphrey,—you are sure now, you will never be a rogue—never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. A bribe! what’s that? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. A very ignorant fellow indeed! DR. ROSY. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Noa, noa. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well said, Humphrey—my chief business with you is to watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O’Connor. DR. ROSY. Ay, you don’t value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you’ll see theu’ll be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. And i’faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a stouter: ha’ you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or a spare bed-post? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oons, what a dragon it is!—Well, Humphrey, come with me.—I’ll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we’ll agree.—Come along, honest Humphrey. [_Exit_.] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once. DR. ROSY. I will, I will. [_They shake hands_.] _Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at? DR. ROSY. I was just giving him a little advice.—Well I must go for the present.—Good-morning to your worship—you need not fear the lieutenant while he is in your house. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.— [_Exit_ DOCTOR ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.—Now I think I am a match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_.] ACT II. SCENE I.—_A Street_. _Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Come, silence your drum—there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day. SOLDIER. Mark, serjeant! _Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of gentlemen.—An’t you single, my lads? FIRST COUNTRYMAN. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, and she’s an helpless woman. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Indeed! a very extraordinary case—quite your own master then—the fitter to serve his Majesty.—Can you read? FIRST COUNTRYMAN. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main clever at it. SERJEANT TROUNCE. So, what you’re a scholar, friend? SECOND COUNTRYMAN. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Lucky man—in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes? SECOND COUNTRYMAN. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon of Wantly, and the—Noa, I believe that’s all in the hero way, except once about a comet. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Wonderful knowledge!—Well, my heroes, I’ll write word to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two Magpies. COUNTRYMAN. We will, your honour, we will. SERJEANT TROUNCE. But stay; for fear I shouldn’t see you again in the crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats. FIRST COUNTRYMAN. Our hats are none of the best. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I’ll give you money to buy new ones. COUNTRYMAN. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_.] SERJEANT TROUNCE. [_Winking at_ SOLDIERS.] Jack! [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS.] _Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. So, here comes one would make a grenadier—Stop, friend, will you list? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Who shall I serve under? SERJEANT TROUNCE. Under me, to be sure. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Isn’t Lieutenant O’Connor your officer? SERJEANT TROUNCE. He is, and I am commander over him. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains? SERJEANT TROUNCE. To be sure we are; ’tis our business to keep them in order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know.— Yours, General Deluge. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And do you complain of him often? SERJEANT TROUNCE. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over small things. But hark’ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly given to wenching. _Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT. CORPORAL FLINT. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship—We are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_.] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Zounds! the lieutenant—I smell of the black hole already. [_Exit_.] _Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. DR. ROSY. I fancy not; there’s no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here comes some of them—we’ll stay by these trees, and let them pass. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs! [_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY.] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT _and two_ SOLDIERS. CORPORAL FLINT. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I do. CORPORAL FLINT. Are you rich? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Noa. CORPORAL FLINT. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here— take it. [_Gives him a purse_.] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. What must I do for this? CORPORAL FLINT. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue’s daughter: help us to break his worship’s bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a made man. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I’ll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [_Throws away the purse_.] CORPORAL FLINT. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nay, then, I’ll try your armour for you. [_Beats them_.] ALL. Oh! oh!—quarter! quarter! [_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS.] JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [_Coming forward_.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest Humphrey—What a spirit he has! DR. ROSY. Aquafortis. _O’Con_. Betray your master! DR. ROSY. What a miracle of fidelity! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded—I’ll give him sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there’s for yourself: as for this bribe, [_takes up the purse_,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety. DR. ROSY. Doubtless you may—I’ll answer for the lieutenant’s behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [_Exeunt_.] SCENE II.—_A Garden_. LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off? LAURETTA. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, hussy—— LAURETTA. Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with—and I wish I was run away with—I do—and I wish the lieutenant knew it. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. [_Exit_.] LAURETTA. How this booby stares after him! [_Sits down and sings_.] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Lauretta! LAURETTA. Not so free, fellow! [_Sings_.] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Lauretta! look on me. LAURETTA. Not so free, fellow! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. No recollection! LAURETTA. Honest Humphrey, be quiet. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Have you forgot your faithful soldier? LAURETTA. Ah! Oh preserve me! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. ’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this disguise. LAURETTA. Well now, I declare this is charming—you are so disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha!—You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to keep close to me. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil—— LAURETTA. O pray now, dear Humphrey—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [_Offers to kiss her_.] _Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Laury, my—hey! what the devil’s here? LAURETTA. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me— pray don’t let me interrupt you! LAURETTA. Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured—indeed there’s no harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you don’t take yourself out of my sight—— LAURETTA. Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh! was that all—nothing but a little giddiness, hey! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up instantly. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, ’twas very kind in you! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And luckily recovered her. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes— LAURETTA. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!—Oh, help! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. O dear lady, she’ll fall! [_Takes her into his arms_.] JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Zounds! what before my face—why then, thou miracle of impudence!—[_Lays hold of him and discovers him_.]—Mercy on me, who have we here?—Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. You know my love for your daughter— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Fire! Cut-throats! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And that alone— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Treason! Gunpowder! _Enter a_ SERVANT _with a blunderbuss_. Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant. LAURETTA. O papa, you’ll kill me! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nay, sir, but hear me—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’ll shoot. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And you’ll be convinced—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’ll shoot. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. How injurious—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’ll shoot—and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. [_Exeunt separately_.] SCENE III.—_A Walk_. _Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. DR. ROSY. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her pulse—declare my own sufferings in my receipt for her—send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is vanity—now sunshine, now cloudy—we are, as it were, king and beggar—then what avails—— _Enter_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. O doctor! ruined and undone. DR. ROSY. The pride of beauty—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I am discovered, and—— DR. ROSY. The gaudy palace—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. The justice is—— DR. ROSY. The pompous wig—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Is more enraged than ever. DR. ROSY. The gilded cane—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Why, doctor! [_Slapping him on the shoulder_.] DR. ROSY. Hey! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, disappointed. DR. ROSY. Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human affairs! Nothing certain in this world—most deceived when most confident—fools of fortune all. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put into execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your assistance to recover my ground. DR. ROSY. With all my heart—I’ll warrant you I’ll bear a part in it: but how the deuce were you discovered? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I’ll tell you as we go; there’s not a moment to be lost. DR. ROSY. Heaven send we succeed better!—but there’s no knowing. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Very true. DR. ROSY. We may and we may not. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Right. DR. ROSY. Time must show. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Certainly. DR. ROSY. We are but blind guessers. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nothing more. DR. ROSY. Thick-sighted mortals. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Remarkably. DR. ROSY. Wandering in error. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Even so. DR. ROSY. Futurity is dark. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. As a cellar. DR. ROSY. Men are moles. [_Exeunt_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _forcing out_ ROSY.] SCENE IV.—_A Room in_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ _House_. _Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Pho! nonsense, honesty!—what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Psha, you’re a fool! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for your husband, I should think _unus quorum_ might command a little deference. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Don’t tell me!—Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about town. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Is this language for his majestu’s representative? By the statutes, it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once! _Enter_ SERVANT. SERVANT. A letter for your worship. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Who brought it? SERVANT. A soldier. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Take it away and burn it. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Stay!—Now you’re in such a hurry—it is some canting scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose.—[_Takes the letter.— Exit_ SERVANT.] Let me see:—ay, ’tis signed O’Connor. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, come read it out. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. [_Reads_.] _Revenge is sweet_. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. It begins so, does it? I’m glad of that; I’ll let the dog know I’m of his opinion. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. [_Reads_.] _And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural father; for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a dose of poison!_—Mercy on us! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Read it yourself. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [_Reads_.] _Pleasure to administer a dose of poison_!—Oh, horrible! Cut-throat villain!—Bridget! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Lovee, stay, here’s a postscript.—[_Reads_.] _N.B. ’Tis not in the power of medicine to save you_. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Odds my life, Bridget! why don’t you call for help? I’ve lost my voice.—My brain is giddy—I shall burst, and no assistance.— John!—Laury!—John! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself. _Re-enter_ SERVANT. SERVANT. Your worship! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning? SERVANT. Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What colour were they? SERVANT. Blackish, your worship. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!—Why don’t you run for Dr. Rosy, you rascal? SERVANT. Now, sir? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to witness your will, my life. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate murderers. SERVANT. Oh, here he is, your worship. [_Exit_.] JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation be apparent. _Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY. DR. ROSY. I have but just called to inform—hey! bless me, what’s the matter with your worship? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There, he sees it already!—Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, I’m a sure job for the undertakers indeed! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh! oh! alas, doctor! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Peace, Bridget!—Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any change in me? DR. ROSY. Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your nose? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Spots on my nose! DR. ROSY. And that wild stare in your right eye! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. In my right eye? DR. ROSY. Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Swelled! DR. ROSY. Ay, don’t you think he is, madam? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh! ’tis in vain to conceal it!—Indeed, lovee, you are as big again as you were this morning. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Yes, I feel it now—I’m poisoned!—Doctor, help me, for the love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. DR. ROSY. What? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m poisoned, I say! DR. ROSY. Speak out! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What! can’t you hear me? DR. ROSY. Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can’t hear a word you say. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m gone then!—_Hic jacet_, many years one of his majestu’s justices! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Read, doctor!—Ah, lovee, the will!—Consider, my life, how soon you will be dead. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. DR. ROSY. I never heard such monstrous iniquity.—Oh, you are gone indeed, my friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later—high and low—Death’s a debt; his mandamus binds all alike—no bail, no demurrer. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not? DR. ROSY. Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I’ll certainly see justice done on your murderer. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself. DR. ROSY. Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so enraged against the villain, I can’t bear the thought of his escaping the halter. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. That’s very kind in you, my dear; but if it’s the same thing to you, my dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.—What, doctor, no assistance! DR. ROSY. Efacks, I can do nothing, but there’s the German quack, whom you wanted to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has antidotes for all poisons. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I’ll get him a diploma if he cures me. DR. ROSY. Well, there’s no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. [_Exit_.] MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? For my part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your grave than see you owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing consoles me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of leaving you behind. _Re-enter_ DOCTOR ROSY, _with_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR _disguised_. DR. ROSY. Great luck; met him passing by the door. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Metto dowsei pulsum. DR. ROSY. He desires me to feel your pulse. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Can’t he speak English? DR. ROSY. Not a word. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Palio vivem mortem soonem. DR. ROSY. He says you have not six hours to live. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. O mercy! does he know my distemper? DR. ROSY. I believe not. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Tell him ’tis black arsenic they have given me. DR. ROSY. Geneable illi arsnecca. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Pisonatus. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What does he say? DR. ROSY. He says you are poisoned. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. We know that; but what will be the effect? DR. ROSY. Quid effectum? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Diable tutellum. DR. ROSY. He says you’ll die presently. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, horrible! What, no antidote? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Curum benakere bono fullum. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham? DR. ROSY. He says he’ll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!—No, lovee, you shall never submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to none of them. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I won’t die, Bridget—I don’t like death. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. O my dear, pray consider the will. _Enter_ LAURETTA. LAURETTA. O my father, what is this I hear? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam. DR. ROSY. The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. How so? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani. DR. ROSY. He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, he will, on those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or reward. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.— [_Aside_.] And that I am sure he never will. DR. ROSY. Greal. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Writhum bothum. DR. ROSY. He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a miraculous receipt. [_Both sit down to write_.] LAURETTA. Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Don’t speak to me, girl.—Unnatural parent! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There, doctor; there’s what he requires. DR. ROSY. And here’s your receipt: read it yourself. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Hey! what’s here? plain English! DR. ROSY. Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I’ll answer for it. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [_Reads_.] _In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate son-in-law,_ O’CONNOR.—Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who are you? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Your affectionate son-in-law, O’Connor, and your very humble servant, Humphrey Hum. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. ’Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I’ll be poisoned again, and you shall be hanged.—I’ll die, sirrah, and leave Bridget my estate. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I’m sure he deserves to be hanged. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. He does, you say!—Hark’ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am resolved never to take your advice again in anything.— [_To_ LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a soldier, ain’t you? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I am sir, and proud of both. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what— renounce your country and sell your commission, and I’ll forgive you. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Hark’ee, Mr. Justice—if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I would pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring the second. DR. ROSY. Ay, ay, you’re right. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Is he? then I’m sure I must be wrong.—Here, sir, I give my daughter to you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word is a compliment. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel about the rest of our lives. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, truly, my dear,—I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for that. DR. ROSY. This is all as it should be.—My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just such a wife as my poor dear Dolly. [_Exeunt omnes_.] End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of St. Patrick’s Day, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan *** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK’S DAY *** ***** This file should be named 6707-0.txt or 6707-0.zip ***** This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: http://www.gutenberg.org/6/7/0/6707/ Produced by Delphine Lettau, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg-tm License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided that * You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." * You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm works. * You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. * You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact For additional contact information: Dr. Gregory B. Newby Chief Executive and Director gbnewby@pglaf.org Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.